If someone would ask me what gender I am, I usually answer female if they’re not familiar with non-binary genders and I don’t feel like explaining. If they do, or I have the patience to explain, then I say genderqueer. But really, I’m closer to the term genderfluid. Genderfluid, basically, means that I change or move between genders.
I would say that I have three genders that I move between. The first what I would call agender, though I may not be using the term correctly. Most of the time, I just don’t think about my gender. I feel largely androgynous. My second most common gender would be masculine, or male. Most rarely, I feel feminine, or female.
That would be how I have been feeling lately. I’ve been feeling ridiculously girly, compared to how I usually feel.
But to be honest, I don’t really know what to do with these feminine feelings. I don’t have a lot of really feminine clothes to wear, and the ones I do I feel self conscious in.
I suppose I feel the need to hide my body. I feel ashamed of the way I look, and I choose my clothes carefully so that I don’t stand out, and then when people do notice me, they don’t have to be exposed to my fat.
And I hate feeling that way.
In my life, I balance a fear of judgement stemming from my social anxiety disorder with a sort of defiant view of society where I hate the idea of allowing others opinions to effect the way I express myself. So even while half of me is afraid to be judged, the other half of me flips the bird to society and tells it to fuck off.
It’s an odd sort of harmony.
In any case, I wonder why the defiant part of me is cowed by wearing skirts or even vaguely revealing shirt. I don’t even know what to think anymore.
And it’s not like I have a lot of money to buy the adorably plus sized clothes that I see online. I particularly love Domino Dollhouse, and I just want everything they have. But the question is, if I bought it, would I dare to wear it?
I think I’ll paint my nails tonight. And maybe I’ll wear make up to class tomorrow, if I have the nerve.
I hope I do.