Feeling Feminine

If someone would ask me what gender I am, I usually answer female if they’re not familiar with non-binary genders and I don’t feel like explaining. If they do, or I have the patience to explain, then I say genderqueer. But really, I’m closer to the term genderfluid. Genderfluid, basically, means that I change or move between genders.

I would say that I have three genders that I move between. The first what I would call agender, though I may not be using the term correctly. Most of the time, I just don’t think about my gender. I feel largely androgynous. My second most common gender would be masculine, or male. Most rarely, I feel feminine, or female.

That would be how I have been feeling lately. I’ve been feeling ridiculously girly, compared to how I usually feel.

But to be honest, I don’t really know what to do with these feminine feelings. I don’t have a lot of really feminine clothes to wear, and the ones I do I feel self conscious in.

I suppose I feel the need to hide my body. I feel ashamed of the way I look, and I choose my clothes carefully so that I don’t stand out, and then when people do notice me, they don’t have to be exposed to my fat.

And I hate feeling that way.

In my life, I balance a fear of judgement stemming from my social anxiety disorder with a sort of defiant view of society where I hate the idea of allowing others opinions to effect the way I express myself. So even while half of me is afraid to be judged, the other  half of me flips the bird to society and tells it to fuck off.

It’s an odd sort of harmony.

In any case, I wonder why the defiant part of me is cowed by wearing skirts or even vaguely revealing shirt. I don’t even know what to think anymore.

And it’s not like I have a lot of money to buy the adorably plus sized clothes that I see online. I particularly love Domino Dollhouse, and I just want everything they have. But the question is, if I bought it, would I dare to wear it?

I think I’ll paint my nails tonight. And maybe I’ll wear make up to class tomorrow, if I have the nerve.

I hope I do.

Musings on Fashion, Gender, and Fat

As I may have mentioned before, I am a Female Assigned At Birth (FAAB) genderqueer person. I am also “morbidly obese,” though I’m not fond of that particular phrase. I’m sure there’s a better one out there somewhere, but if I know it, it has slipped my mind. Oh yes! Deathfatties. That’s me.

The combination of being fat and genderqueer is odd to me. I don’t know how they intersect, sometimes. I tell myself that I don’t want to wear skirts because I’m FtM, and men don’t wear skirts. But sometimes, I just want to wear a skirt, damnit. And I wonder if it’s because I’m ashamed of they way my body looks in a skirt. And I shouldn’t be ashamed, I know that. But the struggle with what society says about my body is a never ending one, and I don’t think I’ll ever overcome it.

The same thing with everything I wear. Am I trying to dress like a typical guy, or am I trying to dress in a way that is socially acceptable for my size? I don’t really know, to be honest. Sometimes, I think, I want to dress like a guy, like the guy that I am. But sometimes I don’t, and on those days, I need to have the freedom to express my feminine side.

Something I’m still working on.

And it doesn’t help that I don’t have a lot of money. I can’t exactly afford a lot of clothes. Jeans are what I wear, because jeans are practical. Skirts… not so much, as much as I may love them. Of course, that’s just my opinion.

Oh, but I want to buy a skirt. I can’t afford a skirt, but I want to buy one.

I have made progress in my style. I got jegging style jeans from Lane Bryant, and I love them. And I got a pair of skinny trousers, and they are amazing. Some time ago, I would never have worn them.

So yay me!

And. And today I bought a pair of boots. With heels.

I am so accepting my feminine side, it is awesome. Alas, were clothes only more available and cheaper and more in my size, I would be in heaven.

Okay, I admit it. I wanted to buy boots because I have a date tomorrow, and I want my boyfriend to like my new shoes and heels and I want to be taller than him. But still. I love them. Yay K Mart.

I’ll have to get some pictures posted soon. I mean, I want to address my slowly stepping into fatshion, don’t I? That means I need pictures, right?

Now I just have to find my gift card for Sock Dreams. The best place for cute socks, they have a whole section for plus size. I’ve got my $25 dollars worth picked out, yay!

New boots, new thigh-highs. Now I need a skirt.

Suggestions for cheap-ish plus size clothing is very welcome, thank you!